Road to Jesus

I shared on Wednesday the first three occasions which caused me to start looking more seriously at God as a provider for my needs. Today I’m going to the share the rest of the story.

On Tuesday morning I woke up at 5:00 am as I’ve been trying to do recently in order to have plenty of quiet prayer time before the kids get up.

In my prayer time with scripture I found an overwhelming theme: Trust

Psalm 131: A Prayer of Humble Trust “Lord, I have given up my pride and turned away from my arrogance. I am not concerned with great matters or with subjects too difficult for me. Instead, I am content and at peace. As a child lies quietly in its mother’s arms, so my heart is with in me. Israel, trust in the Lord now and forever!”

Mark 11:24; “When you pray and ask for something, believe that you will receive it, and you will be given whatever you ask for.”

My morning prayer after these was, “Lord, I hear you calling me to trust, to trust in how you can and WILL provide for my needs and the needs of my family. Jesus, I trust in you. (repeated 5 times).”

When I got downstairs following prayers I received the biggest test of this trust.

A rainstorm had come through Monday night into Tuesday morning.  When I turned on the lights in our entryway I found that the roof had started leaking into our home. We’ve known all along that we needed to fix the roof and siding, but this hit me hard.

Unfortunately, (or fortunately) there was more. When I removed some of the door frame where the water was dripping to see if how much damage there was, I found black mold. With the water leaking in several places and then the mold, I found myself collapse on the floor in utter disbelief that not only would we fixing the roof and siding, but we’d also have to gut the entryway to fix any additional moisture/mold problems.

At this point I had already forgotten my morning prayer, but all I could do was say, “You will provide, show us the way.”

After I worked through the initial stages of shock, anger, distress, I came to a place of peace. I had enough common sense to ask for prayers, which helped immensely. And then God gave me insight.

The roof leaking revealed to us problems we would never have found on our own.  The plan all along was to re-roof the house. If we never had the leaks, we would have never found the mold.

What I have learned from these experiences is to trust that God has a plan and though we may not always know it in advance, “We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose” – Romans 8:28.

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In the last month, God has been telling me, “Trust me, I will provide for your needs.” Now I didn’t hear it exactly like that, but as I review the events of the last month that is the overwhelming message. 

In mid-March I participated in a Riverbend TEC retreat. These retreats are 3 days and focus on the Paschal Mystery. However, this weekend was cut short and we had to leave after 2 days due to weather. It was frustrating because the retreat didn’t feel complete, something was missing and yet Jesus said, “Trust me.”

The week after TEC I was doing my homework for my study of Fr. Robert Barron’s Seven Deadly Sins and Seven Lively Virtues when I encountered this message again. I was reading and reflecting on gluttony.

The question was: “A wise person has said, ‘You can never get enough of what you don’t really want.’ Have you ever experienced using food as a way of trying to fill an inner emptiness that God is meant to fill? What was that like? Did you overcome it? How?

My answer: “Yes, it’s miserable because overeating or eating the kinds of food I do to fill the cravings leave me stuffed, uncomfortable, and sometimes sick. At times I have overcome this by filling my life with healthy food, than I don’t crave the junk. But also by trusting in God’s provision. I know I’m in union with Christ when my eating is under control because my trust is in the correct spot.“

I found this to be true because when I trust God, I turn to him with my problems. I don’t turn to food.

For the last year, at least, I’ve been hounding him about the future and that he needs to think about how to take care of us when his military benefits for school runs out. On Saturday, I was visiting with a friend and I heard myself saying of my husband, Mike that I just needed to let go of my worries of how he will financially provide for the family, and let him take care of it.

When I got home, I relinquished control and gave it to him to manage. I continue to pray for God’s provision in whatever form it may be.

These were the first three events that started my thinking process. On Friday, I will share how this all wrapped up and God finally hit my head with a 2×4, telling me that He will take care of us and provide for all our needs.

I’m not sure where to begin really since it’s been 9 months since my last post. Life took off and got in the way. I was working part time but my hours gradually increased until I barely had what it took to be a wife and mother much less a blogger about my faith journey.

I do regret now that I haven’t been sharing this journey with you. So much has changed in me. God has worked many wonders in my life I don’t know that I could ever relay them all now. I pray that you will forgive me and pick up with me where I am and I will try to fill in the gaps as we go.

I’m not sure yet how my writing will change but I want to share more of my experiences and how we can come to know God in the small things and how loving Christ begins by knowing Christ.

As I restart this journey, let us pray together that we can all come to serve and love as Christ does .

Heavenly Father, we come before you today, on the Solemnity of the Annunciation, as your humble servants. Our greatest desire is to love you and serve you as you deserve. Reveal to us your divine will for our lives. Whatever you tell us to do, Lord, the answer is “yes.”  In the words of Kathy Troccoli, we sing, “I will choose Christ, I will choose love, I choose to serve.  I give my heart, I give my life, I give my all to you.”  Amen.  

On Sunday we heard the following reading from Ezekiel 2:2-5:

“As the LORD spoke to me, the spirit entered into me
and set me on my feet,
and I heard the one who was speaking say to me:
Son of man, I am sending you to the Israelites,
rebels who have rebelled against me;
they and their ancestors have revolted against me to this very day.
Hard of face and obstinate of heart
are they to whom I am sending you.
But you shall say to them: Thus says the Lord GOD!
And whether they heed or resist–for they are a rebellious house–
they shall know that a prophet has been among them.”

God called Ezekiel to speak to His people, the Israelites. At this point they turned away from God and are rebelling against Him.

God sends Ezekiel to speak to them regardless of whether they listen to him or turn away from him. It doesn’t matter if the Israelites love Ezekiel or hate him. Ezekiel must tell them what the Lord has spoken.

Regardless of whether the Israelites obey or not, Ezekiel must speak the Truth which God has spoken to him. And so it is with each of us.

Each day we are called to love and share the Word of God. We must treat each person as if he or she was Jesus, for He is inside each of us.

As a mom and a wife, I need to choose to clean my house, feed my children, and serve others in love. It doesn’t matter if my husband or children notice or acknowledge my efforts, I must continue.

It is through these simple, but not necessarily easy, actions that others will be exposed to the love of Christ. If they share His love or not; if they say thank you or not; if they complain or not; I must do the will of God. I must act in love.

Knowing the will of God is a built through prayer, listening, acceptance, and obedience to His call. Those I minister to through my blog, through my family, through my church or through my work may never change. They may keep about their lives as always, but if I allow God to work through me, they will always know that my love is not of this world, but it comes from the Lord who works through me.

In what ways have you had to minister to other despite their acceptance of your ministry? How did it make you feel? Were you able to see God’s work even if it wasn’t what you had expected?

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Back to the Basics

As I sat down last week and reflected on the last two crazy months,  I realized that my priorities had once again slipped. I let life carry me away yet again.

I went back to my list of goals and noticed that several of my priorities have changed and that in the last 6 months God has led me somewhere different then I thought when I started this year.

Some of my goals, like running a half marathon in October will stay, but taking a road trip to Idaho to see my brother won’t work because the kids are just too young.

At first I was a bit heartbroken. I supposed that I had somehow failed. God told me otherwise.

I didn’t fail. My path just changed course.

One of my new goals is to get back to the basics and really get to know Jesus and the “nuts and bolts” of Catholicism. I’m going to read the entire Bible and the Catechism of the Catholic Church in one year.

I’ve been reading my bible more regularly this year, but have focused mainly on the New Testament in an effort to get to know Jesus better. This was a great step for me because I’ve really taken to heart the message of the Gospels and St. Paul’s letters.

I need to take it a step further. Reading the entire Bible gives me a more rounded perspective of the whole story of salvation.  Knowing the Old Testament gives me a look into the words that Jesus studied and referred to many times in his teaching. I will also gain an understanding of how Jesus fulfilled the role of Messiah as shared in the Old Testament.

In addition to Scripture, I felt it was also relevant to read the Catechism, cover to cover. Having a better grasp on the basics from the Catechism will give me a greater handle on the many questions developing in my life and will push  me to dig even deeper.

As I searched online for a “schedule” of reading the Catholic bible in one year, I was blessed with the great gift of a combined calendar of reading the Catholic Bible AND the Catholic Catechism in one year. I am so grateful to the Coming Home Network for this amazing tool!

Please join me in reading the Bible and Catechism in one year by printing this off and taking 20-30 minutes a day to reflect and read the “assigned” passages. Each of us will encounter Christ and the Church in a new way!

What small things have you done to expand your knowledge of the Church and/or Christ?

One thing I’ve realized more over the last 6 months is just how important it is to live in the present moment. There is no guarantee that we will have a tomorrow. It doesn’t mean that we don’t plan for tomorrow, but it does mean stepping back long enough to really live in the moment.

I am as guilty as anyone for going from one thing to the next, constantly moving and rarely slowing to breathe. However, when I do slow down and really take the day as it comes, not only am I more relaxed, but I also get more done. Yes you read that right. When I slow down and enjoy the day, I GET MORE DONE.

So what’s the difference? Well, I think it is the fact that the “to do” list is a bit shorter, but also it leaves flexibility to the day. If I don’t have a ton of expectations, I can be proud of what I accomplish.

It is important that I work toward my goals and get the little stuff done too, but not to the extent that my family suffers.

Three weeks ago I went back to work. It was the toughest decision I had to make. Now I really have to prioritize. I have to decide what is most important.

Honestly, there are weeks where the dishes only get done every other day and the laundry is behind quite a bit, only getting it done when we need clean clothes. I prefer to spend my extra time with Mike and the kids.

Since the “to do’s” seem to take over my days, I must daily remind myself of the following poem by Ruth Hamilton:

Mother, oh mother, come shake out your cloth!
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking!

Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.)
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo.)

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.)

Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait ’til tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

My children have already grown up so fast. And our first 5 years of marriage have just flown by. Each moment I must make a choice; spend time with those I love or check off one more box on my list of things to get done. Today I choose the ones I love.

Earlier this week I mentioned briefly the miscarriage of our first child. Because many of you don’t know the whole story I thought it was time to share this piece of my heart and for this reason this post will be a bit longer than usual.

Mike and I were married in December of 2006. I had a semester of school left at Saint Mary’s University of MN so I went back to Winona. Mike went back to Camp Lejeune, NC until March when he deployed to Iraq.

When Mike got back from his deployment I had already been there a couple months to get an apartment and have a “home” in place for him when he got back.

Needless to say, since this was our first time living together in 10 months of marriage and we were still essentially newlyweds, we conceived our first child within days of Mike returning home.

We kept the news pretty hush-hush until I was 8 weeks pregnant when I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut and told everyone I knew.

Just a week later I went in for my first doctor’s appointment and ultrasound. I was excited, but a bit unsure since Mike’s superior officer wouldn’t let him off work for the appointment. I had to go alone.

After sitting through a boring “orientation” it was finally my turn to have an ultrasound. I couldn’t wait to see our baby even though at 9 weeks there wouldn’t be much to see.

Everything was going smoothly, or so I thought, when the tech told me she’d be right back. She had to consult the doctor. In about 5 minutes she and the doctor came back and the doctor told me that fetal development had stopped. There was no baby and I could schedule a D&C or wait for a natural miscarriage.

I opted to wait for the miscarriage in hopes that by some act of God they were mistaken. However, my greatest fears were realized on December 24, 2007, when my body began the natural process of miscarriage.

Amazingly, at the time I suffered little grief. I numb. But much of this was due to the doctor telling me that there was no baby. In my mind then there was no loss.

Fast forward three years to January 2011. I was working a TEC retreat. During night prayer our team spiritual director was sharing a story about the death of his two year old cousin. He talked about his regret and how his loss affected him.

At first I was crying because I was sympathetic. I didn’t think I’d ever felt his pain. But for some reason, it was at that moment that God said to me, “Rachael, you’ve have experienced that loss. You lost your first baby.”

It was at that moment that all the walls broke down and I sobbed. The years of buried pain, confusion, loss, and grief just took over. God used the support and love of my TEC family to experience His love in a new way. It was no longer “just” a miscarriage; it was the loss of a child, our first child.

To this day I have no clue why it never hit me before. Throughout my entire life I have always believed that life begins at conception. For whatever reason, I had separated that internal belief from my situation in order to handle the grief.

Fast forward another year. I read the book “Heaven is Real” by Todd Burpo. This story is about Todd’s son, Colton, who through a surprise illness went to heaven and met his grandfather, Jesus, and his sister, whom he had never known because she was miscarried before Colton was born.

At some point after I finished reading this book, I was in the adoration chapel at our church. I don’t remember what I was praying about our how it happened, but somehow I just knew that not only had we lost a child, that child was a baby girl whose name was Emily Marie.

You see, when I was pregnant we had already picked out names, Emily Marie for a girl and Michael Charles Uher III if it was a boy. Before our son was born we had already scratched Michael from the list of boy and when choosing names for our daughter, Emily Marie just didn’t fit right.

After this experience in the adoration chapel, I am convinced that the reason we couldn’t name our daughter Emily Marie was because she was already in heaven, waiting patiently for the day when she could finally meet her mommy and daddy.

I must say, my grief over our miscarriage is worse now than it was when it happened. The more God reveals to me it seems the more my heart longs to meet that precious baby who, for whatever reason, is waiting for me.

The fact that life begins at conception is no longer a far off belief, but a real and true experience, one which is engrained in my heart forever.

About 8 months ago I read a book about de-cluttering your life. It sounded so wonderful to be free from all the “stuff” just packed away in the dark back corners of my closets. However, what happened instead was a heart wrenching course which forced me to let go.

The “stuff” we have just lying around my home tends to remain because it either holds some sort of meaning or we hope to use it someday. In my experience, most of the time “someday” never comes and the clutter takes over.

Somehow, not only was my environment cluttered, but so were my thoughts and emotions, too.

For years it builds up. Eventually the time comes to get rid of it all! It’s time to let go and move on! That’s what I did and I’m still doing.

One day last fall Mike and I cleaned out everything. We went through every nook and cranny to find the things that we haven’t seen or used in the previous years.  We collected many boxes of items to sell at our future garage sale.

In the months that followed we kept collecting and this past Friday and Saturday we finally had our sale. I had big dreams of an empty garage and a handful of cash when we were done.

We did sell quite a bit and made some money, but I was down. Here I saw three tables of baby clothes, a couple shelves of books, and other nick nacks that nobody wanted. Now I had to box them all up and give them away without a cost.

I thought the hardest part was over on Saturday when Mike and I sold our pair of snorkeling gear that we had purchased for our honeymoon and never used because of the miscarriage of our first child. But when I had to completely surrender and box up all the remaining items and give them to charity with nothing in return, I felt crushed and empty, like someone came in and took all the air out of my lungs.

Today Mike and I will be taking all of those boxes up to the local thrift store and let go of them forever. Never have I thought that “things” could take on so much power.

A favorite shirt from one  the kids, a gift from a friend, a really good book that you never had time to read, these are all “items” that hold emotional value because they remind us of our past, present or hopes for the future.

We give power to things of this world instead of the things of God. Before we know it, our stuff becomes our idols.

Never did I think this journey would end in such a way. I thought it would just be a way to clean out the house and earn some extra money to update our home. God showed me something completely different.

He showed me that I was not putting my faith and hope in Him, but in the material “stuff” I could control in my immediate surroundings.

Though this journey was difficult and the process painful, the fruits of the journey were plentiful and my future full of hope.

In what areas of your life do you need to de-clutter?  What can you do today to start changing your surroundings?  

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Before I get started I want to apologize for not having this up yesterday like I had said. Life happens and sometimes you can’t get everything to happen just as you want it. Thank you for your patience understanding!

One of the most difficult aspects of being a Catholic, at least for me, is to know what capacity Church authority dictates my actions. Often times when something changes or I learn about another of the Church’s teachings I get angry.  Usually this is because I don’t understand all of the facets of the teaching or why it is necessary. I often times feel that all the doctrines and dogmas get in the way of Jesus’ basic teaching to love.

However, no matter how much I struggle with that authority, I recognize that it plays an important role in my life as a Catholic and in helping me make moral decisions.

One of the most important reasons the Church’s magisterial teaching is so important is because it gives us a basis for which to live our lives. Often times we do not have the time, or the interest to delve into hundreds of years of church history, scripture, and writings from early church fathers in order to create an entire picture.

Unbeknownst to us, most, if not all, the teachings undergo much debate and research in order to guide Catholics on their faith journey and lead us all to heaven. It is because of this that we “treat them as presumptively right and we follow their lead even if we do not fully understand their reasons…It does not mean becoming passive or abandoning reason. We appeal to authority when we recognize that our knowledge and experience are too limited to settle a question satisfactorily” (Gula 153).

If after great debate and research we come to a conclusion that differs from the Church, then we must go with our formed conscience.

The most significant thing you can remember about the conscience and Church authority is that our “respect [of Church authority] demands that we give serious attention to the teaching, and that we receive the teaching with an openness which is ready and willing to make the teaching our own” (Gula 157).

We need not agree with every teaching, but we must honestly consider them and use them as guides to our moral life. More often than not, we should do our bests to understand the Church’s teaching and allow them to guide our lives as Catholics.

How do you incorporate Church teaching into your decisions? Do you agree 100% with what is taught or do you tend to question it?

My initial formation of conscience started at home as a child. I grew up in a Catholic home where I learned early on the meaning of unconditional love and forgiveness as well as the basics of right and wrong.

I attended Catholic grade school where I learned just enough to “get by” without anything too challenging.

High school and college were critical years of formation. I had such a struggle with becoming a cantor in my parish and had doubts about core Catholic beliefs like reconciliation and the Eucharist that I debated whether or not to get confirmed.

This all changed when I attended my first TEC retreat and a priest friend of mine told me, “It’s okay to question the beliefs of the Church, it’s hard to accept and understand them all. What matters is that you keep searching for the answers and pray for God to open your eyes and heart to His Truth.” It was these words and the welcoming Catholic community I experienced at TEC that convinced me to stay Catholic.

Because I had to fight so hard to find a place in my church, I went to get me degree in Pastoral/Youth Ministry at Saint Mary’s University of Minnesota so I could advocate for youth. I believed that no young person should have to do what I did.

At Saint Mary’s I also learned the importance of dialogue and doctrine. Though I didn’t always agree, studying theology gave me a safe place to question church teachings and develop my conscience.

One of the most influential people in my life is my non-Catholic husband. He has a way of looking at things from an outsider’s perspective that allows him to easily play devil’s advocate. These discussions usually push me to find more concrete answers.

As I continue my never ending moral formation, I’ve realized the ways I can expand are through volunteering, dialogue and reading. Over the last few years volunteering and reading have been set on the back burner with the constant activity of two young children.

To change this I have become a board member with the First Choice Pregnancy Center and become more active in my parish. Experiencing life which involves encountering people of all sorts can only grow my visions of life.

I also have the goal of reading more scripture, church doctrines, and works of other important theologians.

All of these, along with regular discussions with family, friends, and co-workers will help to expand my conscience and see a larger part of the big picture.

In what ways have you already formed your conscience and in which ways can you expand your conscience?